I don’t exactly know the genesis of the phrase, “that’s a first world problem” but I’m guessing some schmuck was idly dismissing some other’s schmuck’s whining about their insignificant troubles. It’s a cute way of saying there are millions of Third World people starving (or Fourth World people being tortured by Darkseid’s minions on Apokolips), so quityourbitchin’ about being shorted a Chicken McNugget®. Nowadays, it’s such a cliché that whenever it’s used, we all lose (except for Darkseid). So, why not make it in vogue again with my very own top 12 first world problems.

12. My car seat warmer is broken – Even I must admit that cranking up the seat warmers on a frigid day is the gluteus maximum. But since I didn’t grow up with this luxury, I must ask, “is it really that necessary?” Instead of bootyblazing, couldn’t we just, I dunno, wear more weather appropriate clothing?

11. There are too many streaming services – There used to be only three major channels. Then satellite and cable opened us and the Boss to 57 channels and nothin’ on. Today, everyone has a streaming service, even the Anti-feminist Womanizing Gaslighting Network (AFWGN). But don’t let this choice overload spoil your day off, just do what most people do, subscribe to one and leech the other 56 off friends and family. At least until the password sharing police come and confiscate all of our TVs and devices (thanks Obama).

10. It rained during my staycation – Do you know how many farmers would give their left legume for a little rain? Although it may feel like it, this isn’t nature’s way of pissing on your life. Rain is the lifeblood of the Earth, so embrace it and buy an umbrella -ella, -ella, eh, eh, eh.

9. My iCloud is full – What exactly is this fantasyland where all our photos, documents, and cat videos reside? And why does this figment have some arbitrary size limit? Digital clouds just magically rolled in about a decade ago and we never even thought to ask questions like: what is it, where is it, why is it, and most importantly, who is behind it. I suspect Ray-Ray MciCloud, Lumpy Space Princess, or Lando Calrissian.

8. I have to pay taxes – For some reason, many folks are completely ok with uber Richie Riches skipping out on paying taxes. I guess they are jealous and feel like these one percenters and corporations are modern day Robin Hoods who steal from the govt and, well, give to themselves. No one wants to admit that taxes pay for our military heroes, first responding heroes, and teaching heroes along with roads, farms, FDA, and medical research. I honestly don’t know if folks in Third World countries actually pay taxes, but I do know their basic infrastructure is lightyears behind ours. So, you do the fuzzy math.

7. Woke snowflakes are ruining my fun – Anti-wokers, aka racist douche muppets, are constantly crying about how they are no longer free to enjoy truly tasteless jokes, offensive stereotypes, or Sniglets. They whine all day and night about censorship without understanding that what they are really upset about is capitalism. If you have a bigoted, intolerant billion-dollar idea, all you need is the gumption to make it happen. But therein lies the rub, you’re most likely too lazy and lack the critical thinking skills to realize your discriminatory dream. To wit: you have a movie camera in your back pocket, so if you wanna remake Song of the South and share it with your klan, ain’t no one gonna stop you.

6. I’m not allowed to day drink at work – Everyone has one of those workdays that drive them to imbibe an adult beverage or two at the end. Winos even bitch and moan about having to wait until the close of business and long for the halcyon Madmen days of steak and scotch lunches. Consider how hard and expensive it is to be an alcoholic in other parts of the world and maybe exercise a little self-control. Let’s focus on the positive; you have easy access to three-buck chuck.

5. Nobody liked/commented on my post – I get it, we all need a little love and validation. But can you fill that abyss in your soul with virtual adoration? I bet even Dr. Siggy couldn’t handle that cyber-distressing conundrum. Hey, at least you have a social (media) life. Think about all the techno deprived who must rely on IRL friends and family to boost their fragile, self-absorbed egos.

4. I hated the last season of ______ – Even if I agree with this common complaint, think about the millions of folks across the globe who don’t even have access to the first couple great seasons of whatever show that disappointed you and basically ruined your adulthood. Maybe it’s human nature to forget all the good episodes and focus on the ending that stuck the landing like Goofy at the Laff-A-Lympics.

3. My cat/dog ate all my artisanal cheese – If I had a Bitcoin for every time I heard this one, right? Instead of getting cheesed off at poor Cheddar or Asiago, maybe you need to better safeguard your pretentious cultured milk. The real tragedy here is that we spend more money on pets than we do on research for mechanical AI four legged friends, which will never die, can like all our social media posts, and have no need to pilfer our charcuterie.

2. Due to supply chain issues, I can’t play craft beer pong – I’ll be honest; I have no idea what craft beer is, what makes it so crafty, or why my father left us. Maybe it’s why so many houses now come with a “craft room”, so you can make your own PBR. I am sorry for your loss, Bennett, but necessity is the mother of invention. Maybe it’s time to use that pickled noggin to invent a new potent potable pastime.

1. My medication is giving me diarrhea – a) Consider yourself lucky to have access to a myriad of medications, and b) you’re also lucky to have access to a shit ton of indoor lavatories. The real question we need to ask is why is diarrhea always the first side effect of every medication, even Imodium A-D? Is big pharm in bed with big bathroom tissue? Something about this brand-new conspiracy theory stinks.