Let’s face reality here, no school is ever going to invite me to speak at a graduation ceremony. None of my former educational institutions—my university, community college, vocational school, Bartender’s Institute, or the Edgar Cayce School of Clairvoyance and Radiator Maintenance— are booking moi as their keynote speaker. Yeah, I went through A LOT of phases as a pupil. So, why should anyone listen to me? Well, not to brag, but I am an older, straight, white male! To wit, here are my top words to the unwise… cause why would I be giving advice to the wise?

12. Trust facts not interpretations – I blame Obi-Wan Kenobi for the death of truth. His straight up bullshit about “the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view” has been appropriated by those in power and their trolling simps. That’s how you wage a war on science, equality, and virtue; you warp the truth to fit your own insidious agenda in order to manipulate a feeble-minded sector of the population. The truth is out there… but you gotta find it, not have some agent provocateur spoon-feed it to you.

This post is made up of zero facts and 110% opinions.

11. Embrace change – If a shark doesn’t continue to swim, it will drown. That’s only true from a certain point of view (winky face). I take that myth to mean the slower Bruce moves forward, the faster he’ll wither away to nothing. And thanks to entropy, that’s exactly how time works! You are older now than when you first started reading this sentence—how do you like those existential apples? Change is the one constant in the universe so instead of trying to futilely fight it with more logical fallacies than the average Twitter flame war, surf the wave of change like you were Bodhi from Point Break.

The arrow of time only moves in one direction. Guess that’s why night changes.

10. Don’t worry (about other opinions), be happy – My Darth MeMaw used to say, “masturbate like no one was watching.” Of course, that invited a whole host of questions I didn’t even want to get into. So, I just took it to mean the most important opinion is your own. Unless we are talking about a legal matter or how to treat pink eye, then, get a professional opinion. But for more leisurely activities, preferences or dress, you know best what makes you happy.

Here’s a little post I wrote, you might wanna read it quote for quote.

9. Homo sapien, love thyself – I’ll admit, this is way easier written than done. A lot of us have trouble making friends with the most important person in our lives—ourselves. My advice is to act toward yourself like you would any other person you want to befriend. Be kind to yourself, be supportive, touch yourself, and most importantly, Treat Yo Self! In other words, speak to yourself in your own love language.

Unless you are, in fact, an a-hole. In that case, stop being an a-hole!

8. Have fun out there – As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, including you, having fun is the elixir of life. Now, I don’t know what fun looks like on you, I mean, that would scare both of us if I did. But you should have a decent handle on what paints a smile onto your grill. You can even bring the fun to whatever you do, day jobs included. Well, maybe not if you’re a funeral director, sorry Mr. Solemnberger.

Having fun is my meaning of life.

7. Stay in your lane – This is wonderful advice for drivers, swimmers, and conspiracy theorists. If you lack any kinda medical training and your only expertise is based on watching the eternal Grey’s Anatomy, maybe stop diagnosing everyone’s condition. Don’t be one of those annoying human Pez dispensers coughing up pseudo psychological or physiological advice like a discount Dr. Phil. Don’t be afraid to say, “I dunno.” It’s a lot easier than mansplaining some fake news you just read on Reddit.

Leave the guidance to the counselors.

6. Find your outlet – And no I don’t mean a place to shop for discounted goods. Unless retail therapy is your jam. I’m speaking of a funnel for all those emotions, experiences, and thoughts that are swirling around in the temple of your mind. Science will tell ya that bottling up anything is potentially disastrous. Unless we’re talking about Jafar. So, figure out a healthy way to express yourself—your moods, creativity, and spirit.

It would be funny to find your outlet at an outlet mall.

5. Always keep improving – In the sports world, this is called practice. In the world of theater and music, it’s called rehearsal. In Mario Kart, it’s called respawning. But no matter the nomenclature, the theme is to always do better. Everyone, from Michael Jordan to Michael B. Jordan, should want to continue leveling up. Doesn’t matter if it’s in the kitchen, in the studio, on the field, in the boudoir, or in a tiny cubical surrounded by a hundred coworkers with dead eyes and burnt popcorn breath—the secret to life is to just say no to complacency.

Don’t strife for perfection, strife for better.

4. Be kinder – Just like those German chocolate egg surprises, you never know what you’ll get when you give someone a little grace. I know our first instinct is to explode like a volcano full of rage, hunger, and unfulfilled ambition whenever we feel the slightest slight. Maybe someone cut us off in traffic, bumped into us while taking a selfie at Adelphi, or took too long deciding to get the fish and chips at Long John Silvers. Whatever the transgression was, it’ll be much better for your mental health to immediately forgive and forget than feed your ulcer more hate juice.

Be a Ted Lasso.

3. Eat from the tree of passion – “If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.” Yeah, whatever Pollyanna said that needs to get checked into the boards. Most of us weren’t born with either the inherent talent or resolute career compass to make that a reality. (I hope you can smell a big but coming) But we can find our calling in a side hustle or hobby to satisfy this longing for gratification. When you find it, make sure you dedicate time to enjoy it. It makes our day job so much more tolerable. Unless it’s meth or country music, for that please seek immediate help!

Just Do It! The “It” being whatever your passion fruit is.

2. Seek the new new – One of the hardest things to do is continually accept new challenges. That could mean anything, from playing the newest Zelda game to taking a pottery class to naked sky diving. But what keeps a brain youthful and engaged is experiencing or learning something new. I know the older we get the more we pine for the siren song of those good old days, but that leads straight to a rocky state of arrested development.

Promoting the formation of new synapses since 2023.

1. Go outside and play – This was the mantra of every parent back in the day. Was it because they were encouraging us to exercise, socialize, and get our vitamin D? No, it was because we were little hellions making a ruckus during General Hospital. But they weren’t wrong. There is something not just serene about exploring nature, but invigorating. Think of it as flora and fauna for the soul. It doesn’t matter what your idea of play is—reading a book, running a mile, hiking up a mountain, or roasting a hog. Just do it under the sun… with a generous amount of sunscreen.

I mean, I had to make some reference to this classic.