I like to think of the internet as the Mos Eisley cantina brought to “life”. As that infamous gaslighter Obi-Wan Kenobi once said, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.” Or as my Darth MeMaw said, “A hundred screaming voices can easily drown out a thousand whispering ones.”

That’s probably why the old ‘net seems to be overflowing with ignorance, hate, discrimination, and misogyny. Not to be confused with my 7^th grade English teacher, Ms. Andry, who hated me simply because I was a male and definitely not because I was an insolent, tardy slackass. That said, here are the top 12 targets for the internet’s boundless toxicity.

Bonus: Woke social justice warriors – If this were the 80s, a woke social justice warrior would be the most kick-ass character in a game of D&D. But somehow, someway, being aware of racial prejudice and discrimination along with advocating for equality and trying to make the world a better place for everyone is a bad thing. I guess the alt-net-right thinks they’re the victim and ready to play that card like Gollum or Annie Wilkes.

I like to think if the internet were a person, this is what they’d look and act like.

12. Any new Star Wars show/movie – Remember when you used to hate the prequels more than fire ants at a picnic? Now, somehow those are sacrosanct, and you’ve moved on to all current Star Wars productions. You review-bomb the movies and shows even before release and stalk and bully the actors who, let’s be honest here, are living your dream. To paraphrase my favorite green muppet, “Jealousy leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to trolling.”

How can every single one of those be the worst show/movie ever made? And when did Willow join the SWU?

11. Any new Marvel show/movie – Remember the good old days when the Avengers were a buncha straight white men… and a white woman? That’s just the way the internet likes it, a buncha pretty men in tight spandex (or armor) fighting CGI aliens with a couple tokens—a model kicking ass and a wise black man offering advice. But somewhere along the way, those SWMs got replaced with non-SWMs and the internet IS mad at it! Now that the MCU is actually reflecting the world’s population (and not just Boise, Idaho), the WWW is drowning in its own umbrage.

Oh, so you mean all of these are the worst shows/movies ever made. I think someone needs a glass of Pappy Van Winkle and a long nap.

10. Equality – You wanna send the internet into a blind, deaf, and dumb rage for the machine, just suggest that there’s inequality in the world today. In its mind, we’ve been living in an egalitarian utopia since the 50s. I won’t even dignify that with a snarky response, but I will point out that equal to the internet means everyone has an opportunity to “Make tonight a Manwich night.“

Guess who’s getting lots of Manwich targeted ads now?

9. Kids today – Which is ironic, because the internet is teeming with kids today. Apparently, the one attribute every generation shares is an unhealthy contempt for the next generation. It’s like every member of said generation is Wesley Crusher. Maybe it’s some sick, twisted rite of passage or nostalgia goggles or selective amnesia, but the only major difference between you and kids today is the date on the calendar.

The other difference between you and kids today is that they will have to fix a world you helped trash.

8. Change – This is kinda low hanging fruit and an underlying theme in most of these but change scares the Underoos off a ton of people, including the internet. It’s inevitable, things change and then you die. Maybe that’s what we’re really frightened of; the dark specter that looms over the shutdown of Blockbuster Video, the series finale of Breaking Bad, and the discontinuation of Choco Tacos reminds us that one day we too will be cancelled by life.

Change is the only constant… that is constantly resisted.

7. Being cancelled – Speaking of, the creator of cancel culture now has reversed its position like Oppenheimer’s heel turn on the atomic bomb. The purveyor of cowardly threats and intimidation is absolutely terrified of the consequences of their puerile words. These keyboard warriors are as frightened as kittens during a thunderstorm of losing their little cult of bot followers.

To my cult of bot followers—I’m just kidding… please don’t cancel me.

6. Intelligent discourse – You wanna smell the oppressive stench of passive aggressive troll feet, just politely disagree with someone droning on about something like intelligent design. The internet clings to its logical fallacies and silly axioms like a social influencer gripping their phone. And woe to the person who challenges them. There is only one “correct” opinion, and the internet owns its copyright.

Facts and reason to the internet are like feminism and gender equity to an incel.

5. Disney – This one is usually because the internet has such fond memories of Uncle Walt and unfortunately, Uncle Remus. Just look at what happens when you dare to cast a black woman as a fictional cryptozoological character. The internet suddenly turns into the vacuous mob from Beauty and the Beast. These are the very same people that pray to a very whitewashed Jesus.

Now, tell me how Disney hurt you?

4. Being blinded with science – Science is kinda like a parent, everyone loves it when it gives them cars, cell phones, penicillin, and Totino’s pizza rolls. But when it warns of climate change or suggests wearing masks and social distancing, the internet wants to hit it in the back with a steel chair. I kinda get it, science is hard and demanding. It’s so much easier to listen to some fear mongering cretin who has a financial interest in keeping you uninformed and cowering in your “home office”.

But remember who gave you computers, Viagra, and the freakin’ internet itself… your boy, SCIENCE!

3. Social media – This makes as much sense as hating your own right arm. Unless of course, it’s possessed by a deadite. Maybe the internet is Dr. Frankenstein and social media is its monster who’s gotten out of control and destroying the beautiful, simple world it knows and loves. Or in modern parlance, John Hammond and the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park. Or in even moderner parlance, Tony Stark and Ultron. Everything was all hunky dory when it was merely pics of food and Dix… Coney Island. But soon, the dark side of humanity bled through, and it morphed into an endless stream of viral vitriol.

I will say social media rage is safer than road rage. Then again, this leads to swimming in a pool of your own negative emotions for an indefinite period, so maybe not.

2. Pronouns – “My pronouns are USA.” No, your pronouns are “I’m a passive aggressive bully.” Conflating patriotism and harassment is unfortunately par for the course in cyber space (and the real world). It shouldn’t matter to anyone what someone identifies as or wants to be called, and yet the internet acts like it’s a war crime. But then, a bully doesn’t pick a fight with the most powerful entity, they gravitate to who they perceive as the weakest. The irony is that the members of the LGBTQ+ are infinitely stronger than a minority of simpletons who can’t comprehend gender identity.

I guess you need to go ballistic about something.

1. Nickelback – I’m truly at a loss to explain this one. They are certainly not the Beatles by any stretch of the imagination, but to inspire such disdain that is usually reserved for serial killers and pop-up ads. I just don’t get it. To put it simply, their crime against humanity was to have several catchy, poppy-rock tunes that sound the same. Hardly worth getting your dander up, but I guess the hates gotta flow somewhere.

Look at ’em, they’re just a buncha Canadian rockers. Like Rush… oh wait, now I get it.