If L. Ron Hubbard can make up a whole religion (see: Scientology) to make a buck, then yours truly should be able to create a new conspiracy theory just for kicks, right? That’s my goal today, simply to see if I can disseminate some absurd disinformation that takes root in the internet rabbit hole. I think we can all agree here that the world (wide web) needs a little more fictional news because honestly the so-called real news is depressing as hell. So here are my 12 newest conspiracy theories for your crazy quilting pleasure.

12. The Democrats have never actually won an election – Grand Wizard Trump and the Trumpets are on to something, but they don’t go far enough. Not only did Joe “Gorn” Biden steal the 2020 election, but proved that every democrat in history has stolen their election. Whether through ballot box stuffing, zombie voting, or voting machine hacking, these shady liberals have been doing this since caveman times. The white supremacists are all-right; once a Republican has the lead in voting, whether it’s after the first vote or the billionth vote, counting should halt and the election should be over.

11. Christopher Marlowe wrote both Arthur Miller’s and Tennessee Williams’ plays – After faking his death in 1593, Kit Marlowe went off the grid in search of the fountain of youth. Eventually he discovered it right outside of what would be later known as Kissimmee, FL. He laid low for a couple of centuries, enjoying the fruits of his labor from his orange groves until the itch to write overwhelmed him. So, he partnered with a pair of struggling play writers to give the world Death of a Salesman, The Crucible, and A Streetcar Named Desire. He currently resides in the bowels of Disney World just waiting for inspiration to strike again.

10. The Earth is a dodecahedron – Forget the silly flat or round Earth theories, the world is really a polyhedron with twelve flat faces. Anyone versed in D&D knows the power of the dodecahedron. Think about it, when you go up on your roof to clean out the gutters or get high, what do you see? Flattish land in all directions. But, when you go up in the space shuttle to transport cargo or get high, you see a more roundish planet. Well take out a dodecahedron die, put it on a table, and slowly back away. Eventually, it starts to look round, don’t it. And bingo was your name-o.

9. Keith Richards is Lazarus – Everyone knows the story of the OG zombie, Lazarus of Bethany. But there’s scant details about what happened after he rose from the dead to find his wife had sold all his belongings and remarried. Thank glob I am here to fill in those gory deets. Now a free man, the Lazar (as his buddies called him) was able to travel the world and finally write that book he never had time for. Unfortunately, The Necronomicon didn’t sell very well, so he took up a musical instrument: the guitar. Eventually, he met Mick Jagger and the rest is musical history.

8. Gluten isn’t real – Back in my day, we didn’t have this “boogeyman ingredient” that seems to be in everything, from white bread to wheat bread to banana bread. We ate what we wanted, and nobody ever got sick. Unless they ate at the Texas Roadkill House. All of the sudden, sometime in the 90s, this new ingredient call Gluten started appearing everywhere. Shortly after, there was the Gluten sensitivity, Gluten intolerance, Gluten Flu, and Glutenitis. What really happened is doctors teamed up with big Farms to make up Gluten to create a whole Gluten-free subset of more expensive products. Follow the dough, people.

7. Nostradamus was a time traveler – Astrology is, of course, rubbish. But what’s not rubbish is Science… as long as we like and agree with it. It was widely known back in the day that the French prognosticator Michel de Nostredame was actually from the future. The confusion stemmed from a minor mistranslation of the French word for astronaut into the faux term astrologer. According to his own dream diary, Nostradamus, an avid Renaissance festival fanatic, admitted he wanted to live the real thing, leeches and all. So, in 2059, this Orson Wellian looking man took a homemade space craft around a black hole and traveled back in time. This explains his Super Bowl LVII prediction: An erroneously named city shall overcome a spiteful town in a skinned pig contest while an expectant troubadour pilfers the event.

6. The flu shot causes peanut allergies – Fact: I have never had a flu shot. Another fact: I do not have a peanut allergy. Argo, getting a flu vaccine increases your chance at a peanut allergy by 1000%. That’s basic math folks. Look it up… wait, I mean don’t look it up cause I’ll just tell you; the flu vaccine was invented by Theodore Fluellen Vaccini in 1989. That explains why I didn’t know anyone with a peanut allergy growing up.

5. The Beatles didn’t play their own instruments – Some call The Beatles the greatest rock ‘n roll band of all time, but would they have received such laud and praise if the dirty truth had come out? Probably not, but only Nostradamus can say for sure. That dirty truth is they didn’t even know how to play a kazoo, let alone guitars, pianos, and tambourines. This explains why they suddenly stopped touring in 1966; they feared being exposed. So, they simply faked it while they raked it, the it being Gluten-free dough. Well, all except for Ringo, he actually did play the drums.

4. Aliens built the Luxor pyramid – I mean, come on, there’s no way humans could have built this luxurious hotel & casino back in 1993. We didn’t have the technology nor the man (or woman) power it would’ve taken to build this mimetic architectural structure in the middle of the freaking Las Vegas desert. It’s obvious that aliens snuck down late at night, got all the required licenses and permits, and worked with the teamsters to create this modern construction defying ziggurat. Come to think of it, no one ever sees a 7-Eleven being built. It takes them 9 months to build my stupid modular home, yet these convenience stores seemingly sprout up overnight.

3. The Plymouth Rock landing was faked – Myles Standish Kubrick was a renowned pilgrim and theatre director who just so happened to direct a play written by William Bradford C. Clarke about the fictitious voyage of a ship named the Discovery Zero across the Atlantic called, 1619. Kinda funny how the “Mayflower” set sail the very next year. It’s abundantly clear the whole thing was leveraged from Kubrick’s play. The most damning evidence is that the fabled Plymouth Rock has a tiny label that reads, “Made in London.”

2. Feminists want to take over the universe – Do you know what scares men more than spiders, testicular cancer, clowns, and peeing in public? Women! They make up a true majority and if they ever got together… man, look out! It would be over for us, and we’d quickly get relegated to indentured servitude. This is why feminist is such a terrifying word. Sure, everyone believes women should be equal, but to actually advocate for it, well that’s just going way too far. Men know that once you get even the smallest taste of power, that hunger soon becomes insatiable… at least that’s the way of the patriarchy.

1. Beer has nanobots in it – I have it on good authority that all governments have been brewing nanobots with hops, yeast, and gluten since the late 1920s. “Why in the heck would they do that?” you might ask as you stare suspiciously at the bottle o’ Bud in your left hand. DUH! To track you, to monitor you, and to coerce you into doing stupid things like wearing socks with Crocs and worrying about your pet’s diet more than your own. No one even bats an eye at a healthy pet food commercial followed immediately by an ad for the new KFC s’mores pot pie. This also explains reality TV and how the two Avatar movies can make so much bloody money.