While most people hopelessly resort to Nextdoor to voice their complaints, I’m taking mine to the top 12. I’m going to stay away from actual crimes, such as murdering, breaking and entering, grand theft auto, hitting and running, mansplaining, and eating someone’s last Milano. Also, trying to take away any basic human rights based on what you personally “believe”. All that is just evil incarnate.

Bonus – Spoiling a movie/show/book/Gettysburg address – It takes a special kind of dick to ruin the hard work of talented storytellers. Why is it so damn hard to keep your overeager mouth shut in regard to someone’s else work? Let’s have a spoiler moratorium of at least five years… or maybe ten, I dunno, this is where it gets debatable.

12. Cutting in line – Not one single person likes it when someone else does it, so why can’t we just golden rule this one? I finally agree with my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Shrillsham, ‘you must get everyone’s notarized permission before claiming a spot that you are NOT entitled to.’

11. Not cleaning up after your dog – We get it, you love your ‘furbaby’… good on you. Now, be a halfway decent human being and scoop that poop. This offense shatters the myth that animal lovers must be good people.

10. Stopping in the middle of a crowded walkway – Whether at the mall, boardwalk, or Disney World, why do groups of people think it’s okay to suddenly halt right in the middle of a busy thoroughfare? “But Umpa Joe is having a heart attack!” Well then carefully drag his ass off to the side, I’m trying to get to Bed, Bath, and Beyond before my 20% off coupon expires.

9. Berating a cashier/clerk/phone rep – We all know they don’t make the prices or policy, yet some entitled assclowns think the squeaky wheel always gets the greasing. Maybe we need an extra bitching and screaming tax to try and curb this behavior.

8. Returning an item to a store after opening it and removing a key component – Most of us know this technically falls under stealing, but there are some douche slippers out there who think it’s A-OK. They blame the store for not checking before rewrapping and sticking the incomplete item back on the shelf. Of course, anyone that finished elementary school realizes that’s like blaming the sun for your third degree burn.

7. Driving slowly in the fast lane – An oldie, but still an annoying as hell goodie. There are even signs that tell you, “Slower traffic keep right.” But, I guess that doesn’t apply to you, cocksock. If you can’t at least do the speed limit, give the keys over to someone who can. Or call an Uber. Or stay the F home, I don’t care, just quit being a roadblock of humanity.

6. Littering – I realize this one’s against the law too, but 99% of its offenders get off scot-free. Do we really need to bring back the crying Italian American actor who lied about being a Native American in that famous 70s commercial? Or do we need cheap, red trucker hats for simpler minds that say Make America Beautiful Again (MABA). Apologies to the Mexican American Bar Association.

5. Letting your small child go free-range in a store or restaurant – I get it, parenting is hard. And I can say that because I have furbabies… and human babies to boot. So, I cringe whenever I see an unsupervised toddler darting around a busy Walmart, Outback Steak House, or zoo just making a hot mess of the place.

4. Ghosting someone – I’m not particularly proud, but I feel like I invented this one in my youth. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but woman up, man up or non-binary up and just be honest, yet compassionate. There is a caveat: if someone is fundamentally a dick, then ghosting them is the right call, or noncall. Like my Nana used to say, ‘can’t be a dick to a dick.’

3. Riding your bike on any highway road that doesn’t have a bike lane – Exercising is amazing, and I fully endorse it. But not at the expense of others. Bikers HATE it when you’re casually strolling along on a bike path, so please apply that to roads not designed to support bicycles. Some of us are trying to get to work, school, the hospital, or a MABA rally. Why is this any different from Miss Daisy in her Model T driving 15 miles an hour on a single lane, 45 mile an hour road? Trick question, cause it’s not.

2. Making cacophonous noise after traditional bedtimes – Whether you’re mowing your lawn at the ass crack of dawn, blasting Limp Bizkit at your late night backyard jamboree, or setting off your five thousand dollars’ worth of fireworks at midnight, please cease and desist living out loud. What you are doing is rudely interrupting the sleep of first responders, school children, military vets suffering from PTSD, and nurses and doctors who save lives. Just because your shift at Big Lots doesn’t start until the afternoon doesn’t give you the right to perturb folks who are making a greater impact on society.

1. Beginning a sentence with the disclaimer, “I know this is going to make me sound like an asshole/dick/bitch/racist/sexist/insensitive cow, but” – Here’s a novel idea, if you are even considering starting your rant with that, just freaking stop. You already know it’s a dick move, yet for some magical reason you think you are the one person above reproach. Well, spoiler alert slappy, you’re just another turd in the bowl.